Slovenia scam in Bucharest

I just learned about an interesting scam in Bucharest. It's both funny and stupid :).

Begging Fraudsterinae

High-street wisdom has it that donating to African women gives a bigger bang for the buck, for more of these donations will be spread within the community, benefitting more people. Perhaps this is why so many people were surprised by the latest round of cancer fakers, such as Ashley Kirilow and Jessica Ann Leeder in Ontario, Canada and Dorothy McGurk (more like a bum) in USA.

funny insults car commercial

Aiming perhaps to increase ethnic acceptance through commerce, a seemingly British car commercial features a senior couple trying to bargain down the already low price of their dream car.

burning money

Not long ago (February 2), Matthew Perry went on The Daily Show to promote his latest creation and he couldn’t help making a joke about destroying the almighty USD. Which reminded me in turn about an episode of Simpsons where Krusty destroys a $1 bill.

Mad Men Season 4, Public Relations notes

Seasons 4 has finally started in AMC - Matthew Weiner saga and here is how it went. I cannot embed the whole video clip, just a li'l somethin-something.

The common theme of this first episode is that it’s all about Don Draper, who is slowly (but in discrete milestones) learning to shed his modesty and his desire to conceal his fraudulent persona.

A Times interview with Da Mon is only appropriate:

I will continue with my notes, though I might add a commentary at a later date.

“i’m from the MidWest. we were taught that it’s not ok to talk about yourself.”

“crisp and engaging portraiture painting”

“I’d love to bend your ear when I’m finished with my book”

meeting – McCan clients - “I don’t know who’s the client here” – 2 pc bathing suit – we’re a family company

“did you tell him about the 2nd floor? – i refuse to be any part of that charade”

lack of conference table - “demands a conversation”

“creatively, Y&R is not capable of living in this neighborhood [downtown, expensive]. you know why? because YOU are not working there”

-- idea about buying turkey ham --

$25 for actors to get in the Daily News “we can’t charge them for it”

get him to Bethany - “you hit it off, come Turkey Day maybe you can stuff her”

sterling gets him to see 25 yo super (numerary) at the Opera. chicken kiev. “they make you wear a bib”

“i’m breaking a lot of my rules seeing a divorced man. but Jane has made you a personal cause.” - “and there were so many real problems in the world”

he kisses her but breaks just when she wanted more – then she keeps the distance

“all in all, not a bad way to spend a Sunday” - “get my an aspirin”

jailai TV commercial sold to abc “I wish we had a 2nd floor so i can jump off it”

turning creative success into business IS your work; and you’ve failed.

dinner scene – thanksgiving –

“the trafic was murder” “that’s because that’s what’s become of this country: everyone has two thanksgivings to go to” “maybe we have twice as much to be thankful for”

hooker scene – harder – again

peggy needs bailout money – they pressed charges against each other (+100 each to keep mouth shot)

when r u moving out? – “it’s only temporary” – believe me, everyone thinks that it is” - “he’s right”

“the image is where you left it” – I don’t need you at that meeting – now you’re being spiteful – no, i just think it would be better not to have a girl in the room

“you know smthg? we are all here because of you. all we wanna do is please you.”

i’ve raised children in my life henry – they’re terrified of her. i know what you see in her and you could’ve gotten it without marrying. she’s a silly woman. honestly, henry, i don’t know how you can stand living in that man’s dirt.

so well built, we can’t show you the second floor. – i think that’s a little suggestive.

damage control

overcomes his reluctance to sell himself in interview with WSJ

Sources / More info: amc, bravo, time, time-10q, time-t10-miss, chat-ep-1, photo-s4, banana-casting-call

VerbaVolant, mad men fad fan, mad men, season 4, s4

Catholic Church vs women

In a controversial and highly inflammatory new document, the Catholic Church has once again refused to treat women and men equally when it comes to priesthood. Though we recognize their right to worship as they see fit, we feel that this is a matter that needs to be discussed.

What draws me to this issue is its ethical complexity. As a former relationship and sex counselor, I have a significant feminist streak. As a libertarian, I believe that the state should not interfere with religion. If the Catholic Church wants to prohibit women to become priests, they should have the right to do so. Women with such a vocation could start their own Christian church.

Back in 1999 Sinead O’Connor defied those Christians who believe that Jesus chose his apostles to be only men for a reason by being ordained in a ceremony of the Latin Tridentine church in Lourdes. But she did not stop there. After singing “War”, she tore the picture of the Pope live on TV saying “fight the real enemy” (see videoclips below).

The incredibly surprising thing here is how poorly the Church fares in Public Relations. Recently, when condemning the ordaining of women priests, they almost equated it to pedophilia. According to the BBC,

Pat Brown, of the group Catholic Women's Ordination, said she was deeply shocked and called the change to Church law "a slap in the face to women". She said of the Pope: "He is not doing himself any favours."

The Vatican says ordaining women is "grave" as is sex abuse, but denied it was equating the two. The Pope was "talking about paedophiles and talking about women wanting to be priests as a crime against the faith. I cannot understand that language," said Ms Brown.

(..)

The new Vatican document was released on Thursday, just days after the Church of England's General Synod voted in favour of legislation to consecrate women bishops. The new measures are expected to be interpreted as a pointed message to Anglicans.

In the document, the attempted ordination of a woman is listed as a "grave crime" to be handled by the Vatican's Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, just as sex abuse is.

Vatican sex crimes prosecutor Monsignor Charles Scicluna said that including the two issues in the same document was not equating them, but was done to codify the most serious canonical crimes which the Roman Catholic Church handles. "They are grave, but on different levels," he said on Thursday.

One very interesting (for us) subject is that of the intersection of money and church. With reason or not, the Catholic Church is universally considered the richest church in the world, with the Vatican being the richest state. There is a precedent of a church (scientology) being denied by several countries non-profit / church status and being taxed as a business. Though we generally consider churches to be expressions of the freedom to worship, we regulate against discriminatory practices among employers. Slate (linked below) has examined the relationship between “soul saving” and pay incentives and advocates for using performance-based pay for priests:

Parsons' thesis adviser, Jay Hartzell, is also a preacher's son. Hartzell likes to quote Corinthians in connecting his current work to his father's ministering roots: "If we have sown spiritual seed among you, is it too much if we reap a material harvest from you? If others have this right of support from you, shouldn't we have it all the more?" In other words, if Goldman Sachs bankers get paid based on profits they earn for the company, why shouldn't preachers get bonuses based on souls saved (and paying members recruited)? (..) Before examining how financial incentives have affected Oklahoma's pastors, we first need to say what makes a great minister. Performance for corporate execs is relatively straightforward—they get paid based on the profits they generate. For nonprofits, performance depends on the organization's mission. Hospitals exist to heal the sick; schools, to educate children. The United Methodist church's primary objective is to attract disciples (which in turn keeps the collection box full and the church solvent).

Rather than unsuccessfully contacting the Anglican Church for a reaction, the BBC should have contacted Sinead O’Connor..

Sources / More info: bbc-catholic-women, church-money, wiki-scientology, wiki-sinead, yt

VerbaVolant, catholic, pope, papality, women, equality, ordain, priesthood, misogyny, misoginy

Romanian prostitute burned alive in Vienna

Disturbing news coming out of Vienna: A Romanian prostitute had a fight with her pimp and his "associate" and in turn they poured a flammable liquid on her and set her ablaze.

Here’s the story according to Austrian Times:

A Romanian prostitute is in critical condition after a punter tried to burn her alive outside a night spot on Laxenburger Straße in Vienna-Favoriten.

Police spokeswoman Manuela Vockner said today (Mon) that the assailant had been into a row with 35-year-old Florentina M. inside the locale in the early hours of yesterday morning.

When she left it he was outside waiting for her and doused her with a flammable liquid before setting her on fire.

Vockner said police had only a vague description of the assailant and media reports that he had fled in a silver BMW might be inaccurate.

She added that police had not obtained any leads about the man’s identity from people who had been in the night spot at the time of the assault.

Vockner said the woman, who had burns on her face and upper body, was in critical condition in a Vienna hospital.

Hotnews.ro adds that the incident took place at the Romanians’ disco, around 3 am, and the woman had said before losing consciousness: It was Cretu. I trust she is not referring to Michael Cretu, a reputable music producer who married his star, Sandra.

What is interesting about prostitution in Austria is that under Maria Theresa, they were sent to Banat, a Romania province. Today Romania is the largest provider of prostitutes to Western Europe. In 1873 the law was reformed and prostitutes were obligated to register with the police and receive medical exams twice a week.

A newspaper article of October 27, 1874 reported that 6,424 prostitutes had received health certificates and were under observation by police and health authorities. According to police estimates, at least 12,000 more women lived on the proceeds of "free love" without being registered. Most of these were factory workers who received so little pay that they needed the additional income. Of the registered prostitutes, 5,312 were unmarried, 902 widows, and 210 married. The youngest was 15 and the oldest 47 years old.

In April 2007 1,352 female and 21 male prostitutes where officially registered in Vienna. In 2003, the oldest prostitute was a 71 year old Austrian woman, who offered her service in the second district of Vienna, the so called Leopoldstadt. The number of women working legally and illegally at least from time to time as prostitutes is estimated between 3,500 and 6,000; it is estimated that they totally serve 15,000 clients per day. A similar relation of prostitutes to population number can also be found in other Austrian cities. For example, in 2008 there were 120 registered prostitutes in Linz, which has approximately 10% of the size of Vienna.

What about Brüno Gehard?

Homosexual male prostitution (§ 210 Strafgesetzbuch) was legalized in 1989. A major reason for legalization was to reduce the spread of HIV through regular medical examinations.

Currently, there are no red light districts – prostitution is spread out and practiced mostly by Easterners.

Nowadays 60 to 90 percent are migrants, mainly from the former east bloc countries, among them many commuters from the close Slovakia. For example, the police detained several nurses from Bratislava who earned more money in one night on the streets of Vienna than in a whole month in the hospital in Bratislava.

A quarter of the arrested unregistered prostitutes had multiple infections with sexually transmitted diseases. On the other hand, according to the health authorities of Vienna, registered prostitutes are the most healthy group of persons.

Austria is a both a transit and a destination country for women and children trafficked from Romania, Bulgaria, Hungary, Moldova, Belarus, Ukraine, Slovakia, Nigeria, and sub-Saharan Africa for the purposes of commercial sexual exploitation.

Most trafficked women are brought to Austria with promises of unskilled jobs, such as nannies or waitresses. Upon arrival they are often coerced into prostitution.

The moral of the story? It’s good to have at least two professions, in case one of them doesn't pan out..

I am now waiting for RNS’s cybergraffiti to explain in Romanian that prostitutes are not Romanian on some Austrian website..

Sources / More info: hn-prosti, at-man, wiki-prosti-at, yt-prostitute

Cracanel, prostitute, hooker, burned, burning, disfigure, desfigurata, desfigurement

VIDEO: Katya Gerasimova screws up Russian opposition

What is better than bringing down a Government with an old-fashioned sex scandal? Obviously, bringing down the Opposition. And that is precisely what Putin has masterfully done with Katia – at least, according to those with intimate knowledge of the problemher ins and outs.

LE: YouTube has removed the video, so I will add it soon, if I can, back to the list with my own commentary. Left in the playlist are some possibly related videos – close, but no cookie. This video is important not so much for its PG-13 sexuality (most sex scenes are blacked out), but for how “democracy” works in Russia. By censoring the video YouTube only shows that their “non-evil” version of goodness is at least as corrupt, if not even more so. Meanwhile, Putin laughs in his palace.

Is she the most effective government spy unleashed on the Russian opposition, or simply a sex pet / geisha / escort for the elite whose exploits have been filmed with or without her knowledge?

Her modeling agency, New Best Models, tells us her measurements..

Height: 5'8.5" Eyes: Grey - blue

Breast: 34" Hair: Dark grey

Waist: 24" Shoes size: 7

Hip: 34" Age: 19

..and shows us some photos:

The Telegraph completes the picture:

Offering her body, sex, and drugs from cocaine to marijuana as an inducement, ''Katya'', as she is usually known, has tried and often succeeded in bedding at least half-a-dozen high-profile Kremlin critics and other political figures. The damage to reputations has varied from serious to negligible depending on her victim's marital status and response.

Her latest scalp was Viktor Shenderovich, a journalist and the scriptwriter on Russia's former version of the Spitting Image television satire.

Mr Shenderovich, who is married and has a daughter, admits that he slept with Ms Gerasimova but claims he was set up by the Kremlin.

His credibility as an authoritative critic of the Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin, appears to have been at least partly dented and his marriage is reportedly in trouble.

The editor of Russian Newsweek magazine also fell under Ms Gerasimova's spell and was filmed in his underpants chopping up what looked like cocaine after having sex.

A clutch of anti-Kremlin opposition figures and activists, including a man resembling the leader of the National Bolshevik Party, have also been caught in flagrante delicto.

But unlike Soviet times, when the secret service used compromising material to blackmail, Ms Gerasimova's exploits have been widely publicised in grainy videos on the internet.

The footage is often accompanied by mocking music and subtitles. It has taken a few weeks for the victims to realise that they have all been set up by the same woman.

Yet little is known about Ms Gerasimova beyond that she is in her twenties and is registered with an online modelling agency. Nicknamed ''Moo-Moo'' after the surname she uses on a social networking site, men said she used different first names and was highly persistent in her advances.

Is she a victim or a predator? Was she indeed some sort of Russian Nikita Devochka, working for the money or for staying alive, or did she think she’s helping Mother Russia? The rest of the videos in the playlist below will hopefully give an answer..

Sources / More info: nbm-eg, telegraph-kg, smh-kg, huff-kg, yt-katya-gerasimova

VerbaVolant, ekaterina gerasimova, mata hari, russian, ruska, spy, spying, kgb, nkvd, honey trap, Yecaterina Gerasimova, Katia Gerasimova, MooMoo, kremlin, secret service, fsb, svr

Tennis Girl poster creator dies

Let's be honest! The only reason why this is news is that it gives us a new opportunity to display the poster.

Though it certainly is sad news to learn that someone died, let’s face it: most people care only about the poster!

Captured on a tennis court at Birmingham University in the summer of 1976 – using a Nikon F camera and Kodak film – the image attained iconic status when it was made into an Athena poster. The girl in the picture was the photographer's then girlfriend, Fiona Butler. Apparently, she couldn't even play tennis at the time.

Elliott said about the photo that “It is not a picture I would buy”, but on his own website, he called it "the most published photograph in the world".

This "schoolboy's fantasy" was a money-maker for him and his widow Noelle; they are still receiving royalties. Fiona Butler was not paid for her work and maintained she will never be embarrassed by the photograph.

But(t) if Tennis Girl dominated the 80s, the 50s and 60s flowed under the sign of Jimmi and Audrey:

"because it's everything your parents didn't want you to have anything to do with. The long hair, spaced-out expression, the fag. Youth culture was about identifying with something your parents thought ridiculous."

The 80’s belonged to the (NEW) Man and Baby:

If the Tennis Girl was made for the boys, the Man & Baby poster was definitely made for the ladies. Gone are the days of the mythological Greek Gods, who always tried to kill their offspring. The New Man for a New Era was strong and dependable, caring and washed the dishes too. And just like the Tennis Girl, he was to remain a fantasy. He does not exist, or if he did, he was surely gay, for no woman would find such a man attractive.

Until today, I had not seen the Tennis Girl before. I like it for the “morning feeling” it conveys so well.

Sources / More info: amateur-tennis-girl, bbc-elliott-dies, bbc-posters

 

VerbaVolant, tennis, tenis, poster, photo, photography, photographer, commercial, image

Funniest jokes in the world from RD

To be honest, not only that most jokes found by RD to be funniest were rather old, but I felt I know quite a few much funnier. Yet this is rather a confirmation / sign that my sense of humour is off-the-wall. Something I already knew. Recently, Readers Digest completed its top of the best jokes in the world. Though you might have already heard most of them already, here they are..

WINNER

SWEDEN
Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Stockholm takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer's field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can in the crotch, then you do the same to me," he explains. "Whoever screams the least gets the bird."
The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the man's privates, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later, when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "My turn."
"Nah," says the farmer, turning away. "You can keep the duck."

RUNNERS UP
ARGENTINA
An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal. "It's all right," says the husband. "We share everything."
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. "I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal," he insists. "She'll eat," the husband assures him. "We share everything."
Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, "Why aren't you eating?"
The wife snaps, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!"
AUSTRALIA
A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a scotch and … Coke."
"Why the long pause?" asks the bartender.
"I don't know," says the bear. "I've always had them."
BRAZIL
Tired of waiting in the back of the line to get on Noah's Ark, a flea jumps from one animal to another as she moves closer to the front. She leaps and leaps until she lands on the back of an elephant. The pachyderm turns to its mate and says testily, "I knew it! Here they go with the pushing and shoving!"
CANADA
A man says to a friend, "My wife is on a three-week diet."
"Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?"
"Two weeks."

CHINA
My cousin always "borrows" money from her older brother's piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the refrigerator. Inside was this note: "Dear sister, I hope you'll understand, but my capital has been frozen."
CROATIA
A concerned police officer approaches a boy crying in front of a newsstand.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Superman isn't out yet!"
"I'll handle it," the cop assures him. "Hey, Superman!" he shouts. "Come on out! We won't hurt you!"
CZECH REPUBLIC
A man calls a radio deejay and says, "I've found a wallet with a hundred thousand koruny inside. There's also a card that says ‘Jan Ziegler, Seifert Street 3, Prague.' " "So?" says the deejay. "What do you want us to do?"
"Would you be so kind as to play the man a song?"

FINLAND
Hannu wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night, he e-mails her but misspells the address and it goes to a recent widow. The next day, the widow's son finds his mother passed out in front of her computer. On the screen is this e-mail: "My darling wife, I've just gotten here and everything's set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope your trip down here will be as pleasant as mine. "P.S. It's really hot!"
FRANCE
President Sarkozy visits a steel factory. To the boss's surprise, the president greets an employee, Morton, with a warm hug. The same thing happens when Barack Obama visits, and again during Vladimir Putin's tour. Unimpressed, the boss says to Morton, "I bet you don't know the pope."
Morton shrugs. "We play golf together."
The gauntlet has been tossed, and the boss pays their way to the Vatican. During the Benediction, Morton slips away. Sure enough, he reappears—side by side with the pope. Two Chinese tourists tap the boss on the shoulder and ask, "Who's the guy in white standing with Morton?"
GERMANY
Wandering around a fairgrounds, a man enters a fortune-teller's tent for a laugh. "I see you're the father of two," says the seer, gazing into her crystal ball. "Ha! That's what you think," says the man scornfully. "I'm the father of three."
"Ha!" says the fortune-teller. "That's what you think."

HUNGARY
Doctor: Have you taken my advice and slept with the window open?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: So your asthma disappeared completely?
Patient: No, but my watch, TV, iPod, and laptop have.
INDIA
A business executive visits his dear Chinese friend in the hospital. "Li kai yang qi guan," says the sick man feebly. The executive desperately wants to help him, but he doesn't speak Mandarin. "Li kai yang qi guan!" says the patient, as he draws his last breath. Later that year, the executive is in Shanghai on business when he finally learns the meaning of Li kai yang qi guan: "Get off my oxygen tube."
KOREA
A fortune-teller advised me, "Do everything your boss says." Sage advice, I thought, as I was working on an important project. As if I needed more proof of just how good the psychic was, that night, as I read the newspaper, I noticed my horoscope: "Do everything your boss says."
MEXICO
Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the ways of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service. "Will the winter be bad?" he asks.
"Looks like it," is the answer.
So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later, he calls again. "Are you positive the winter will be very cold?" "Absolutely."
The chief tells his people to gather even more firewood, then calls the Weather Service again: "Are you sure?" "I'm telling you, it's going to be the coldest winter on record."
"How do you know?"
"Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"
NETHERLANDS
A starlet is seated next to a lawyer on a long flight. She craves her sleep, but he keeps waking her up. "Let's play a trivia game," he suggests. "If I answer wrong, I'll pay you $50. If you answer wrong, you owe me $5." The starlet agrees, and the lawyer goes first. "What's the distance between the earth and the moon?"
The starlet hands the lawyer $5. Now it's her turn. "What goes up a mountain on three legs and comes down on four?"
The lawyer is dumbstruck. He scans the Internet, flips through his pocket encyclopedia, and texts every scientist he can find. No dice. Hours later, he wakes up the starlet, hands her $50, and asks, "So what's the answer?" Without a word, she hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.
NORWAY
A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie. "You're a kind lady, so I'll grant you one wish," the genie tells her.
"See this cat? I'd rather have a strong, handsome man," she says.
The genie agrees and—poof!—the cat turns into a Brad Pitt clone. The woman leaps into his lap.
"Do you have anything to say before we make love?" she asks.
"Yes," he says. "I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered last week."
PHILIPPINES
Joe, Mike, Mary, and Tom were talking about their dream jobs. "I want to be a lawyer," Joe began, "so that I can defend my countrymen."
"I want to be a congressman," said Mike, "so I can draft laws to benefit my countrymen."
"I want to be a doctor," said Mary, "so that I can cure my countrymen."
"How about you, Tom? What would you like to be?" asked Joe.
Tom thought a moment and replied, "I'd like to be a countryman."
POLAND
Nearing the end, Stanislaw is surrounded by loved ones. As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers, "I must tell you my greatest secret." His family urges him to go on.
"Before I got married, I had it all," Stanislaw explains. "Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me, ‘Get married and start a family. Otherwise, no one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you're on your deathbed.' So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you know what?"
"What?"
"I'm not even thirsty!"
PORTUGAL
A man is visiting an old friend when a little girl races through the room.
"Diploma," the friend calls after her, "bring us two cups of coffee."
"Diploma? What an odd name," says the visitor. "How did she get it?"
The friend sighs. "I sent my daughter to study at the university in Lisbon, and that's what she came back with."
ROMANIA
Vlad gets pulled over after a high-speed car chase. "I'm going to help you out," says the police officer. "Give me a good excuse and I won't write you a ticket." "Three weeks ago, my wife left me for a cop," Vlad explains. "So when I saw your car coming, I thought you were trying to bring her back."
RUSSIA
Due to the recession, to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.
—God
SERBIA
A neighbor finds a young boy sitting on the stairs crying. "What's the matter, honey?" she asks him. "It's my father," the boy sobs. "He hit his finger with a hammer."
"Then why are you crying?"
"Because first I laughed!"
SLOVENIA
As they leave the courthouse, a lawyer turns to his grim-looking client and says, "Janez, what's wrong? You were acquitted." "I know, but now I'm really in trouble," says Janez. "I just rented out my apartment for three years."
SPAIN
A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. "Please, señora," the poor man pleads, "I haven't eaten all day." "Good," says the grandmother. "Now you won't have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim."
SWITZERLAND
Wife: Honey, did you notice? I bought a new toilet brush.
Husband: Yes, I did. But I still prefer the paper.
TAIWAN
Papa Turtle is telling his son a bedtime story. "Once upon a time, there was a white bunny."
"Aw, c'mon, Dad," says the boy. "That's kid stuff. What about some science fiction?"
"All right. Once upon a time, there was a bunny in outer space …"
"Dad! Make it more grown-up."
"Okay, okay. Promise you won't tell Mom."
"I swear."
"Once upon a time, there was a naked bunny …"
THAILAND
"Hurry up or we'll be late!" shouts a teacher to her kindergarten class.
"What's the rush?" a tot asks coolly.
"If we're late, we'll miss your next class!" the teacher reminds him.
The kid shrugs. "If you're in such a hurry, go on without us."
UNITED KINGDOM
"About a month before he died, my grandmother covered my grandfather's back with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly."
--Comic Milton Jones
UNITED STATES
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion." "I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's Holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him." They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision." --Submitted by Mitchell Hauser

How did RD choose these jokes? Good question.

In January, RD localized editions from around the world asked their readers to submit their favourite jokes, which were then trimmed to 10. Then readers voted the best. Hopefully, the elections weren’t stolen and / or run on Diebold machines.

In USA, the jury was comprised of:

• Sid Caesar: His 1950s TV hit, Your Show of Shows, introduced America to Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner, Neil Simon, and Woody Allen.
• Monty Hall: Television producer and host of Let’s Make a Deal.
• Arthur Hiller: Directed comedies like The In-Laws and Silver Streak.
• Rocky Kalish: Wrote for All in the Family, Maude, and Good Times.
• Hal Kanter: Bob Hope’s chief gag writer. Wrote Road to Bali for Hope and Bing Crosby.
• Gary Owens: The voice of Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In.
• John Rappaport: Writer and producer for M*A*S*H.
• Matty Simmons: Founder of National Lampoon; producer of Animal House and Vacation.

Here are the top 10 clean jokes in the USA, chosen using a similar approach:

Winner: A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."
Submitted by Mitchell Hauser
Crime and Punishment
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?" The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."
Submitted by Braeden Silvermist
Conflict
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb- blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?" Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
"You keep out of this!" she yells. "I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
Submitted by Nancy Gomes

New Lease on Life
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle- aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.
God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!
The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains. "That’s true," says God.
"So what happened?"
God shrugs. "I didn’t recognize you."
Submitted by Hank Chawansky
Vow of Silence
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."
Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit."
"I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve been complaining ever since you got here."
Submitted by Alan Lynch
Talking Dog
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in.
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.
"I’ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"
The owner says, "Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!"
Submitted by Harry Nelson
Making Sure
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"
Submitted by Gerald Doka
Power of Perception
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don’t know. It all happened so fast."
Submitted by Debby Carter
Ghostly Music
A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. "What’s going on?" he asks a cemetery worker. "It’s Beethoven," says the worker. "He’s decomposing."
Submitted by Jeremy Hone
A Dog's Life
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat."
"Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.
"I can’t," says the poodle. "I’m not allowed on the couch."
Submitted by L. B. Weinstein

As we know from Jean de Santeuil (not Moliere), castigat ridendo mores, which could be the slogan of Satire, Inc.

Sources / More info: rd-bj, rd-bj-ch, rd-t10-usa, rd bj @ scribd, flags from google

VerbaVolant, humour, humor, fun, joke, jokes, hilarious, hillarious, funny, ha-ha, collection, rd, readers digest, reders digest, reader's digest

Johnny Depp will never die

Recently voted the world's most stylish man and with numerous other awards under his belt, the rumour has it that Johnny Depp was recently involved in a car crash. As our "designated rebel", the connection to James Dean and his tragic end seemed too attractive for the rumour mill.

So if the rumour is not true, who would start it and why?

As it turns out, the February issue of GQ hits the stands on January 26, and sales may have been lacklustre in the recession. The press needs money to stay afloat, and just like Presidents’ approval ratings soar when they declare war or bomb some hapless country, so do sales of magazines explode when the cover-person was just involved in a controversy.

Killing your main man is a bit extreme, but is still better than dying of hunger..

Here’s what Times Live had to say:

Search engines have registered over 13million searches on this issue with  CNN.com reporting that Depp’s car was found wrecked “along side a road outside Bordeaux, France, with the guard rail embedded deep inside the car and police have pulled out the body of the former actor, Depp.”

In the story titled Johnny Depp dies after fatal car crash, CNN claim that the Depp was discovered by a tourist who was driving on the same road when he spotted the wrecked car that was allegedly lying amongst liquor bottles. He then contacted the police who rushed to the scene of the accident to find Depp in the car.

“The police suspect that alcohol was the cause of the accident,” CNN wrote.

But according to Associated Press writer Ryan Christopher DeVault these rumours could be false because Depp’s camp haven’t confirmed the allegations.

“As far as we know, Johnny Depp is doing just fine, and has not been in any type of car crash. At this time we feel it is pretty safe to say that Johnny Depp is doing fine right now, and probably getting ready to get back into character for Pirates of the Caribbean 4,” he wrote.

The “story” appeared on a fake CNN site hosted on free hosting – Angelfire:

SFGate writes:

This is a terrible hoax on Johnny Depp and CNN. Johnny Depp was very much alive and about to film Pirates of The Caribbean Dead Man's Chest, which was released in 2006. Angelfire is a web hosting service. It's hard to tell just who made the fake CNN page, which is so detailed that if you click on the CNN logo, it takes you to the CNN home page, just as a regular CNN webpage would do. (..)

Regardless, Crispin Glover reportedly ended the talk by calling Johnny Depp via cell. Depp responded: Nope. In France, according to NBC Chicago's Courtney Hazlett, who issued the news last Monday.

Buying the magazine, when it comes out, will not confirm or infirm rumours. But your curiosity, awakened the day before, will be satisfied.

Sources / More info: twitter-depp, wiki-depp, gq-most-stylish, people-depp, sf-no, time-not-dead, angelfire-fake-CNN, Glover-interview, nbc-courtney, yt-depp

VerbaVolant, Johnny Depp, rebel, stylish, sexy, sex symbol, pirate, pir8