piticigratis pentru masturbat

Radu @ PiticiGratis s-a apucat iar sa comenteze vrajeli cu Scooby Doo. M-am gandit ca sunt unii care vor sa infaptuiasca astfel de comentarii. Pentru ei, prezint comics cu muzica.

Funniest jokes in the world from RD

To be honest, not only that most jokes found by RD to be funniest were rather old, but I felt I know quite a few much funnier. Yet this is rather a confirmation / sign that my sense of humour is off-the-wall. Something I already knew. Recently, Readers Digest completed its top of the best jokes in the world. Though you might have already heard most of them already, here they are..

WINNER

SWEDEN
Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Stockholm takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer's field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can in the crotch, then you do the same to me," he explains. "Whoever screams the least gets the bird."
The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the man's privates, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later, when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "My turn."
"Nah," says the farmer, turning away. "You can keep the duck."

RUNNERS UP
ARGENTINA
An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal. "It's all right," says the husband. "We share everything."
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. "I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal," he insists. "She'll eat," the husband assures him. "We share everything."
Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, "Why aren't you eating?"
The wife snaps, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!"
AUSTRALIA
A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a scotch and … Coke."
"Why the long pause?" asks the bartender.
"I don't know," says the bear. "I've always had them."
BRAZIL
Tired of waiting in the back of the line to get on Noah's Ark, a flea jumps from one animal to another as she moves closer to the front. She leaps and leaps until she lands on the back of an elephant. The pachyderm turns to its mate and says testily, "I knew it! Here they go with the pushing and shoving!"
CANADA
A man says to a friend, "My wife is on a three-week diet."
"Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?"
"Two weeks."

CHINA
My cousin always "borrows" money from her older brother's piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the refrigerator. Inside was this note: "Dear sister, I hope you'll understand, but my capital has been frozen."
CROATIA
A concerned police officer approaches a boy crying in front of a newsstand.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Superman isn't out yet!"
"I'll handle it," the cop assures him. "Hey, Superman!" he shouts. "Come on out! We won't hurt you!"
CZECH REPUBLIC
A man calls a radio deejay and says, "I've found a wallet with a hundred thousand koruny inside. There's also a card that says ‘Jan Ziegler, Seifert Street 3, Prague.' " "So?" says the deejay. "What do you want us to do?"
"Would you be so kind as to play the man a song?"

FINLAND
Hannu wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night, he e-mails her but misspells the address and it goes to a recent widow. The next day, the widow's son finds his mother passed out in front of her computer. On the screen is this e-mail: "My darling wife, I've just gotten here and everything's set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope your trip down here will be as pleasant as mine. "P.S. It's really hot!"
FRANCE
President Sarkozy visits a steel factory. To the boss's surprise, the president greets an employee, Morton, with a warm hug. The same thing happens when Barack Obama visits, and again during Vladimir Putin's tour. Unimpressed, the boss says to Morton, "I bet you don't know the pope."
Morton shrugs. "We play golf together."
The gauntlet has been tossed, and the boss pays their way to the Vatican. During the Benediction, Morton slips away. Sure enough, he reappears—side by side with the pope. Two Chinese tourists tap the boss on the shoulder and ask, "Who's the guy in white standing with Morton?"
GERMANY
Wandering around a fairgrounds, a man enters a fortune-teller's tent for a laugh. "I see you're the father of two," says the seer, gazing into her crystal ball. "Ha! That's what you think," says the man scornfully. "I'm the father of three."
"Ha!" says the fortune-teller. "That's what you think."

HUNGARY
Doctor: Have you taken my advice and slept with the window open?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: So your asthma disappeared completely?
Patient: No, but my watch, TV, iPod, and laptop have.
INDIA
A business executive visits his dear Chinese friend in the hospital. "Li kai yang qi guan," says the sick man feebly. The executive desperately wants to help him, but he doesn't speak Mandarin. "Li kai yang qi guan!" says the patient, as he draws his last breath. Later that year, the executive is in Shanghai on business when he finally learns the meaning of Li kai yang qi guan: "Get off my oxygen tube."
KOREA
A fortune-teller advised me, "Do everything your boss says." Sage advice, I thought, as I was working on an important project. As if I needed more proof of just how good the psychic was, that night, as I read the newspaper, I noticed my horoscope: "Do everything your boss says."
MEXICO
Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the ways of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service. "Will the winter be bad?" he asks.
"Looks like it," is the answer.
So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later, he calls again. "Are you positive the winter will be very cold?" "Absolutely."
The chief tells his people to gather even more firewood, then calls the Weather Service again: "Are you sure?" "I'm telling you, it's going to be the coldest winter on record."
"How do you know?"
"Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"
NETHERLANDS
A starlet is seated next to a lawyer on a long flight. She craves her sleep, but he keeps waking her up. "Let's play a trivia game," he suggests. "If I answer wrong, I'll pay you $50. If you answer wrong, you owe me $5." The starlet agrees, and the lawyer goes first. "What's the distance between the earth and the moon?"
The starlet hands the lawyer $5. Now it's her turn. "What goes up a mountain on three legs and comes down on four?"
The lawyer is dumbstruck. He scans the Internet, flips through his pocket encyclopedia, and texts every scientist he can find. No dice. Hours later, he wakes up the starlet, hands her $50, and asks, "So what's the answer?" Without a word, she hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.
NORWAY
A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie. "You're a kind lady, so I'll grant you one wish," the genie tells her.
"See this cat? I'd rather have a strong, handsome man," she says.
The genie agrees and—poof!—the cat turns into a Brad Pitt clone. The woman leaps into his lap.
"Do you have anything to say before we make love?" she asks.
"Yes," he says. "I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered last week."
PHILIPPINES
Joe, Mike, Mary, and Tom were talking about their dream jobs. "I want to be a lawyer," Joe began, "so that I can defend my countrymen."
"I want to be a congressman," said Mike, "so I can draft laws to benefit my countrymen."
"I want to be a doctor," said Mary, "so that I can cure my countrymen."
"How about you, Tom? What would you like to be?" asked Joe.
Tom thought a moment and replied, "I'd like to be a countryman."
POLAND
Nearing the end, Stanislaw is surrounded by loved ones. As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers, "I must tell you my greatest secret." His family urges him to go on.
"Before I got married, I had it all," Stanislaw explains. "Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me, ‘Get married and start a family. Otherwise, no one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you're on your deathbed.' So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you know what?"
"What?"
"I'm not even thirsty!"
PORTUGAL
A man is visiting an old friend when a little girl races through the room.
"Diploma," the friend calls after her, "bring us two cups of coffee."
"Diploma? What an odd name," says the visitor. "How did she get it?"
The friend sighs. "I sent my daughter to study at the university in Lisbon, and that's what she came back with."
ROMANIA
Vlad gets pulled over after a high-speed car chase. "I'm going to help you out," says the police officer. "Give me a good excuse and I won't write you a ticket." "Three weeks ago, my wife left me for a cop," Vlad explains. "So when I saw your car coming, I thought you were trying to bring her back."
RUSSIA
Due to the recession, to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.
—God
SERBIA
A neighbor finds a young boy sitting on the stairs crying. "What's the matter, honey?" she asks him. "It's my father," the boy sobs. "He hit his finger with a hammer."
"Then why are you crying?"
"Because first I laughed!"
SLOVENIA
As they leave the courthouse, a lawyer turns to his grim-looking client and says, "Janez, what's wrong? You were acquitted." "I know, but now I'm really in trouble," says Janez. "I just rented out my apartment for three years."
SPAIN
A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. "Please, señora," the poor man pleads, "I haven't eaten all day." "Good," says the grandmother. "Now you won't have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim."
SWITZERLAND
Wife: Honey, did you notice? I bought a new toilet brush.
Husband: Yes, I did. But I still prefer the paper.
TAIWAN
Papa Turtle is telling his son a bedtime story. "Once upon a time, there was a white bunny."
"Aw, c'mon, Dad," says the boy. "That's kid stuff. What about some science fiction?"
"All right. Once upon a time, there was a bunny in outer space …"
"Dad! Make it more grown-up."
"Okay, okay. Promise you won't tell Mom."
"I swear."
"Once upon a time, there was a naked bunny …"
THAILAND
"Hurry up or we'll be late!" shouts a teacher to her kindergarten class.
"What's the rush?" a tot asks coolly.
"If we're late, we'll miss your next class!" the teacher reminds him.
The kid shrugs. "If you're in such a hurry, go on without us."
UNITED KINGDOM
"About a month before he died, my grandmother covered my grandfather's back with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly."
--Comic Milton Jones
UNITED STATES
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion." "I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's Holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him." They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision." --Submitted by Mitchell Hauser

How did RD choose these jokes? Good question.

In January, RD localized editions from around the world asked their readers to submit their favourite jokes, which were then trimmed to 10. Then readers voted the best. Hopefully, the elections weren’t stolen and / or run on Diebold machines.

In USA, the jury was comprised of:

• Sid Caesar: His 1950s TV hit, Your Show of Shows, introduced America to Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner, Neil Simon, and Woody Allen.
• Monty Hall: Television producer and host of Let’s Make a Deal.
• Arthur Hiller: Directed comedies like The In-Laws and Silver Streak.
• Rocky Kalish: Wrote for All in the Family, Maude, and Good Times.
• Hal Kanter: Bob Hope’s chief gag writer. Wrote Road to Bali for Hope and Bing Crosby.
• Gary Owens: The voice of Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In.
• John Rappaport: Writer and producer for M*A*S*H.
• Matty Simmons: Founder of National Lampoon; producer of Animal House and Vacation.

Here are the top 10 clean jokes in the USA, chosen using a similar approach:

Winner: A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."
Submitted by Mitchell Hauser
Crime and Punishment
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?" The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."
Submitted by Braeden Silvermist
Conflict
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb- blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?" Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
"You keep out of this!" she yells. "I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
Submitted by Nancy Gomes

New Lease on Life
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle- aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.
God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!
The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains. "That’s true," says God.
"So what happened?"
God shrugs. "I didn’t recognize you."
Submitted by Hank Chawansky
Vow of Silence
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."
Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit."
"I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve been complaining ever since you got here."
Submitted by Alan Lynch
Talking Dog
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in.
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.
"I’ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"
The owner says, "Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!"
Submitted by Harry Nelson
Making Sure
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"
Submitted by Gerald Doka
Power of Perception
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don’t know. It all happened so fast."
Submitted by Debby Carter
Ghostly Music
A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. "What’s going on?" he asks a cemetery worker. "It’s Beethoven," says the worker. "He’s decomposing."
Submitted by Jeremy Hone
A Dog's Life
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat."
"Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.
"I can’t," says the poodle. "I’m not allowed on the couch."
Submitted by L. B. Weinstein

As we know from Jean de Santeuil (not Moliere), castigat ridendo mores, which could be the slogan of Satire, Inc.

Sources / More info: rd-bj, rd-bj-ch, rd-t10-usa, rd bj @ scribd, flags from google

VerbaVolant, humour, humor, fun, joke, jokes, hilarious, hillarious, funny, ha-ha, collection, rd, readers digest, reders digest, reader's digest

Ricky Gervais hosted Golden Globes in 2010

His brand of "uncensored" humour did not warm too many hearts. He hopes it will at least result in sales of his new DVD.

Though reportedly the producers wanted him to pass on about 5 of his jokes, he kept it real.

Irreverent Gervais sipped on a glass of beer during the show at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles, quipping at one point: 'I like a drink as much as the next man... unless the next man is Mel Gibson.'

As Gibson - who was convicted of drink driving in 2006 - walked on to present the Best Director gong, he pretended to slur his words.

Few were spared a lashing by Gervais, who at one point said: 'Just looking at all the faces here reminds me of the great work that's been done this year... by cosmetic surgeons. You all look great.

At that punchline, the camera quickly cut away from Meryl Streep, instead opting for a long shot of the crowd.

'It is an honour to be here in a room full of what I consider to be the most important people on the planet: actors.

'They're just better than ordinary people, aren't they?

Lampooned: Gervais took a swipe at Sir Paul McCartney over his costly divorce from Heather Mills

He said: 'Actors aren't just loved here in Hollywood, they're loved the world over because they're recognisable. You can be in the Third World and you get a glimpse of a Hollywood star and it makes you feel better.

'You can be a little child, a little Asian child, with no possessions, no money - but you see a picture of Angelina Jolie and you think, 'Mummy!'

Jolie and husband Brad Pitt skipped the event, but the star-studded audience, including Robert De Niro, Cameron Diaz and Matt Damon seemed to be enjoying his brand of humour.

I happen to think his performance may have been better received had he not peddled his own wares.

The Winners:

Best Actress in a Motion Picture (Comedy or Musical) - Meryl Streep for Julie & Julia

Best Actor in a Motion Picture (Comedy or Musical) - Robert Downey Jnr for Sherlock Holmes

Best Actress in a Motion Picture (Drama) - Sandra Bullock for The Blind Side

Best Actor in a Motion Picture (Drama) - Jeff Bridges for Crazy Heart

Best Supporting Actress - Mo'nique for Precious

Best Supporting Actor - Christoph Waltz for Inglourious Basterds

Best Director - James Cameron for Avatar

Cecile B DeMille award for lifetime achievement - Martin Scorsese

Best Motion Picture (Comedy or Musical) - The Hangover

Best Motion Picture (Drama) - Avatar

Best Animated Film - Up

Best Screenplay - Jason Reitman for Up In The Air

Best Actress in a Mini-Series made for Television - Drew Barrymore for Grey Gardens

Best Actor in a Mini-Series made for Television - Kevin Bacon for Taking a Chance

Best Actress in a TV Show (Musical or Comedy) - Toni Collette for United States of Tara

Best Actor in a TV Show (Musical or Comedy) - Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock

Best Actor in a TV Show (Drama) - Michael C Hall for Dexter

Best Actress in a TV Show (Drama) - Julianna Marguiles for The Good Wife

Best Supporting Actor in a TV Mini Series- John Lithgow for Dexter

Best Supporting Actress in a TV Mini Series -Chloe Sevigny for Big Love

Best TV series (Drama) - Mad Men

Best TV series (Comedy or Musical)  - Glee

Best TV Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made For Television: Grey Gardens

Best Song -The Weary Kind from Crazy Heart

Best Original Score - Up

Best Foreign Film - The White Ribbon

Sources / More info: dailymail-ricky

VerbaVolant, ricky gervais, humour, humor, awards, golden globe, host, hosted, tinseltown, hollywood, holywood

Closet-minded people

1). So what really happened?

The thief forced his way into her apartment, she made him a cup of tea, then listened sympathetically to his life story for about 20 minutes. Entertained, she gave him 10000 yen ($100) then ran outside to call the Police from a pay phone, presumably leaving the baby with the thief. I am just as confused as you are.

This is not the only time Japanese has been in the news with a woman in a very strange situation. At the end of May, 2008, we learned about a 58 y.o. woman who lived hidden in a small closet in a 58 y.o man’s house FOR A YEAR (2). That man became suspicious after food disappeared from the fridge, so he installed a surveillance system, filming her as she walked around his house in his absence. I always suspected that that Japanese horror flick with the house that kills, taking the shape of a woman, was based on reality. Was that woman also living a secret fantasy? Were they, unbeknownst to him, masturbating simultaneously? Hard to tell. Still, old people in Japan have significant difficulties surviving. Their society sees people who have to depend on others as deadweight, and being unable to provide for yourself is a great shame. Many people die of hunger rather than apply to be on welfare and when they apply they are often rejected (3).

If you think that only Japanese women can inspire horror movies, you’re wrong. David Joe Limones (4), 27, from Newburgh, NY, carved a hole into a 22 y.o. woman’s couch and hid in it, waited for her to come home, to emerge from there as she sat on him, while talking to a friend on the phone. Apparently, she was on the phone with a friend because she felt he might be hiding there and she had filed a complaint about him before (???!!!).

This reminds me of one of my favourite beer commercials. At a costume party, a sexy blonde sits on a comfy couch. Two weirdoes in costumes sat by her side, trying to seduce her. She’s not interested, and changes positions several times. Eventually, she stands up departing, leaving the two bozos behind. As she goes, we see that the couch was actually some happy dude in a couch costume. He then opens up a beer, the source of all his power, intellect, inspiration and creativity.

Feeling the couch moving underneath you is bad enough, but having a baby bat in your 34FF bra could make you feel sorry for disturbing it. At least that’s what Abbie Hawkins, 19, of Norwich, UK said.

“It looked cosy and comfortable and I was sorry for disturbing it,” she said.

She was sitting at her desk at work when she decided to investigate the strange movements in her underwear. “I put my hand down my bra and pulled out a cuddly little bat. Perhaps I should have left it there and given it a good home.”

“That shocked me very much at the time, but it scuttled off under the desk into the dark. I was shaking from head to toe.

“It looked quite cosy and comfortable in there so it was quite rude of me to take it out.

“When I realised it was a bat the first thing that occurred to me was how did it get in there.

“I felt quite sorry for it. Perhaps I should have left it there and given it a good home.

“I did not notice anything as I put my bra on. The night before I had had one or two drinks and I was getting ready quickly.

“The bra was in my drawer but it had been on the washing line the day before.

“When I was driving to work, I felt a slight vibration but I thought it was just my mobile phone in my jacket pocket.”

The bat was captured by one of her colleagues and released.

Sometimes, it’s news like this that make you want to use the toilet. And if you’re in southern India, in the Tamil Nadu state, the government will pay you to use the toilet (5):

It pays to use a toilet in southern India, as residents are earning close to a dollar a month by using public urinals, a scheme launched by authorities to promote hygiene and research in rural areas.

Dozens of people are queuing up to use toilets in Musiri, a remote town in Tamil Nadu state, where authorities have succeeded in keeping street corners clean with the new scheme, The Times of India newspaper said on Sunday.

“In fact, many of us started using toilets for urination only after the ecosan (ecological sanitation) toilets were constructed in the area,” said S. Rajasekaran, a truck cleaner.

The urine was also being collected and tested for its efficacy as a crop fertilizer, an official of the state’s agricultural university added.

People relieving themselves in the open is a common sight in India’s rural towns and villages, as basic sanitation still eludes millions.

Sources
1. http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSN0818516620080708
2. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/7426950.stm
3. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/12/world/asia/12japan.html
4. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080620/ap_on_re_us/man_in_couch
5. http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSDEL30766120080707

Cracanel, closed-minded, closed mind, absent mind, humour

Weird celeb-war between Pamela & Jessica

Jessica Simpson has recently worn a T-shirt with the words “Real Girls Eat Meat” and all hell broke loose for her.

I think she is a b***h. Actually, I don’t know if she was talking about food or men.

That’s surprising..Pamela Anderson gained notoriety with a large audience on the Internet with a video showing her eating her husband’s meat. She is also known for having propositioned a number of other men (such as Lenny Kravitz) to partake with her in similar endeavours. Most have not answered publicly. Of all people, she should know best!

Jessica Simpson’s meaty wardrobe malfunction makes us thankful that no one is looking to her for food advice. Chicken of the sea anyone? The woman who thought that Buffalo ‘Wings’ came from buffalos would benefit from some good veggie brain food.

While not entirely baseless nor lacking humour, this virulent attack from a group (PETA) based on love and humane feelings is quite disturbing. Via

Cracanel, catfight