burning money

Not long ago (February 2), Matthew Perry went on The Daily Show to promote his latest creation and he couldn’t help making a joke about destroying the almighty USD. Which reminded me in turn about an episode of Simpsons where Krusty destroys a $1 bill.

Begging Fraudsterinae

High-street wisdom has it that donating to African women gives a bigger bang for the buck, for more of these donations will be spread within the community, benefitting more people. Perhaps this is why so many people were surprised by the latest round of cancer fakers, such as Ashley Kirilow and Jessica Ann Leeder in Ontario, Canada and Dorothy McGurk (more like a bum) in USA.

funny insults car commercial

Aiming perhaps to increase ethnic acceptance through commerce, a seemingly British car commercial features a senior couple trying to bargain down the already low price of their dream car.

Michael Jackson is dead – le Roi (du pop) est mort

..vive Madonna! Unfortunately, the news, initially brought to us by TMZ and disseminated like crazy by the twittersphere, are true. He died of a heart attack at 50 years old.

He passed away in the mansion the promoters of his new concert. The paramedics, called by a staff member, found him not breathing and all efforts to resuscitate him were in vain. He was 50 and was on some sort of medication which may have acted to end his life. Michael leaves behind 3 children: Michael Joseph Jackson, Jr., Paris Michael Katherine Jackson and Prince "Blanket" Michael Jackson II. He was married to Elvis' daughter, Lisa-Marie.

I too was raped by Michael!

.. but I liked it and I did not sue. I used to be electrified by his music and dance moves up until about his Bad & Moowalking albums. I liked the music on the latter, but he was nowhere to be seen – he emerged later on completely changed. Nobody knows for sure if the children who accused him of sexual assault were honest or were just trying to scam money out of him, pushed by their parents. There is a strong possibility that he was (just) sleeping with them out of a desire for affection and in a futile attempt to live the childhood he never had. This is not a behavior one would expect from a man but his childhood was wasted in endless performances. Joe Jackson, his father, is accused by some of having been obsessed to make money. He once launched his signature beverage, Joe Cola, which you can see in one of Janet's videos. In addition, his Michael’s idol, Diana Ross, whom he tried to emulate, was a motherly person.

The concert in Bucharest or'92 is considered one of the most successful broadcast on HBO and had the best ratings of that network until then. Another significant milestone (other than, of course, Thriller) was his interview with Oprah at Neverland. When asked “are you a virgin?” Michael, visibly shaken, asked in his infantile voice: “Oprah, how can you ask such a question?”. Today, Oprah is the highest rated talk show, and an appearance on Oprah virtually guarantees mainstream acceptance, but back then, it wasn’t so clear who is launching whom.

Constantly assaulted by reporters, he once said:

Why not just tell people I'm an alien from Mars. Tell them I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight. They'll believe anything you say, because you're a reporter. But if I, Michael Jackson, were to say, "I'm an alien from Mars and I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight", people would say, "Oh, man, that Michael Jackson is nuts. He's cracked up. You can't believe a damn word that comes out of his mouth.

Paul McCartney

A few very good songs came out of the father – son collaboration between McCartney and Jackson. What few know is that Paul taught Michael how to profit from copyright by acquiring old songs and renting them out. Michael applied this knowledge to a few songs by Beatles and using them in ways that Paul did not approve. Their relationship soured and did not recover.

This is it

Known as “a millionaire who spends like a billionaire”, Michael had made huge debts. He was hoping to get back in black with the O2 - This is it concerts. His perfectionism and most likely fear of failure made him postpone them four times(!) He requested that his choir be racially equal. AEG Live, his promoter, had made a major investment, paying $5 millions to settle a lawsuit with a Bahrein prince. His concerts would've brought AEG Live $70 millions and would have kickstarted a 3 year international collaboration. 750,000 tickets at prices starting at $81 per bilet had already been sold

Condolences

His death touched quite a few celebrities:

Arnold Schwarzenegger: We lost a great entertainer and a pop icon. My thoughts and prayers go out to Michael Jackson's family, friends and fans.

Diddy: Michael Jackson showed me that you can actually see the beat. He made the music come to life!! He made me believe in magic. I will miss him!

Samantha Ronson: His music is just as relevant now as it was the day they pressed record, I'm sure it will remain so for generations to come.R.I.P.Mr Jackson.

Dane Cook: I'm dedicating my show 2night to Michael Jackson. THRILLER got me laid. Well... At least thats what I told my friends.

Heidi Montag: the world has suffered a GREAT loss today Michael Jackson my thoughts and prayers are with his family, friends, and fans God bless.

Ice T: Rest In Peace Mike. People can say what they want but you were 100% original. WE will always love , miss & remember your GREATNESS.

John Mayer: Dazed in the studio. A major strand of our cultural DNA has left us. RIP MJ. I think we'll mourn his loss as well as the loss of ourselves as children listening to Thriller on the record player.

Ashley Tisdale: So sad. Saying a prayer for Michael Jackson.

Miley Cyrus: michael jackson was my inspiration. love and blessings

Ludacris: If it were not for Micheal Jackson I would not be where or who I am today.His Music and Legacy will live on Forever.Prayers to the famR.I.P.

MC Hammer: I have no words.. I loved Michael Jackson.. RIP..

Kelly Rowland: Michael you left such a legacy on this earth, have touched SO MANY!!! We thank you for such a driving inspiration in music & our lives!! This has got to be one of the saddest days in music history!! Michael Rest In Peace! WE miss you!

Star Jones: Death comes to all. But great achievements build a monument." He IS and WAS the greatest entertainer of all times...Peace to you brother.

Lindsay Lohan: NO OMG ... sending my love and prayers out to Michael and his family ... i feel sick..

Marlon Wayans: My prayers, my love, my heart goes out to michael jackson and the entire jackson family. I pray so hard for them. I'm crushed! Please pray.

Pete Wentz: Prayers and thoughts with michael jackson ... I haven't hope in so long that news isn't true.

Kim Kardashian: Wow I am truly in shock that Michael Jackson has passed away! I love u Jackson family, my prayers are with the whole family!

Ashton Kutcher: Rip Sending love and light to family and friend but especially his kids.

Shanna Moakler: The hard thing about getting older is watching all those who inspired you pass, love to the jackson family..

Rachelle Lefevre: Rest in peace Farrah Fawcett & Michael Jackson. Condolences to their families.

Paul McCartney: It’s so sad and shocking. I feel privileged to have hung out and worked with Michael. He was a massively talented boy-man with a gentle soul. His music will be remembered forever and my memories of our time together will be happy ones.

Eugene Lambert (Ireland's best puppeteer whose son performed at J's b-day party): Michael and the kids seemed to enjoy the show equally. My son sang happy birthday to Michael, who seemed genuinely touched by the attention. Michael rang me that night to thank me for the show. He said he hoped he’d be as happy at his work as I am at my age, and of course I’m 80.

Lenny Kravitz: It was the most amazing experience I’ve had in the studio. He was funny. Very funny and we laughed the whole time. I also saw what a beautiful father he was. He was a beautiful human being. If not for him, I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing. He gave me joy as a child and showed me the way to go..

Byron Garcia (security consultant at a Philippine prison who organized the famous video of 1,500 inmates doing a synchronized dance to “Thriller”, gathering 23.4 million hits): My heart is heavy because my idol died.

Imelda Marcos: Michael Jackson enriched our lives, made us happy. The accusations, the persecution caused him so much financial and mental anguish. He was vindicated in court, but the battle took his life. There is probably a lesson here for all of us.

Whatever some might think or say about him, he was undeniably an innovator, he influenced many artists and at the top of his career has simply the best. I hope that in his everlasting Neverland he’s no longer taunted by his own demons or cocky reporters..

Sources / More info: wikipedia (RO), wikipedia (EN), google news, rolling stones, yt

Michael Jackson: Live in Bucharest - The Dangerous Tour (.CA, .UK, .FR, .DE, .JP, .cn)

Jackson, Michael: Video Greatest Hits: History (.CA, .UK, .FR, .DE, .JP, .cn)

Jackson, Michael: Number Ones (.CA, .UK, .FR, .DE, .JP, .cn)

1969-2004: Ultimate Collection [Best of] [Box set] (.CA, .UK, .FR, .DE, .JP, .cn)

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Catholic Church vs women

In a controversial and highly inflammatory new document, the Catholic Church has once again refused to treat women and men equally when it comes to priesthood. Though we recognize their right to worship as they see fit, we feel that this is a matter that needs to be discussed.

What draws me to this issue is its ethical complexity. As a former relationship and sex counselor, I have a significant feminist streak. As a libertarian, I believe that the state should not interfere with religion. If the Catholic Church wants to prohibit women to become priests, they should have the right to do so. Women with such a vocation could start their own Christian church.

Back in 1999 Sinead O’Connor defied those Christians who believe that Jesus chose his apostles to be only men for a reason by being ordained in a ceremony of the Latin Tridentine church in Lourdes. But she did not stop there. After singing “War”, she tore the picture of the Pope live on TV saying “fight the real enemy” (see videoclips below).

The incredibly surprising thing here is how poorly the Church fares in Public Relations. Recently, when condemning the ordaining of women priests, they almost equated it to pedophilia. According to the BBC,

Pat Brown, of the group Catholic Women's Ordination, said she was deeply shocked and called the change to Church law "a slap in the face to women". She said of the Pope: "He is not doing himself any favours."

The Vatican says ordaining women is "grave" as is sex abuse, but denied it was equating the two. The Pope was "talking about paedophiles and talking about women wanting to be priests as a crime against the faith. I cannot understand that language," said Ms Brown.

(..)

The new Vatican document was released on Thursday, just days after the Church of England's General Synod voted in favour of legislation to consecrate women bishops. The new measures are expected to be interpreted as a pointed message to Anglicans.

In the document, the attempted ordination of a woman is listed as a "grave crime" to be handled by the Vatican's Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, just as sex abuse is.

Vatican sex crimes prosecutor Monsignor Charles Scicluna said that including the two issues in the same document was not equating them, but was done to codify the most serious canonical crimes which the Roman Catholic Church handles. "They are grave, but on different levels," he said on Thursday.

One very interesting (for us) subject is that of the intersection of money and church. With reason or not, the Catholic Church is universally considered the richest church in the world, with the Vatican being the richest state. There is a precedent of a church (scientology) being denied by several countries non-profit / church status and being taxed as a business. Though we generally consider churches to be expressions of the freedom to worship, we regulate against discriminatory practices among employers. Slate (linked below) has examined the relationship between “soul saving” and pay incentives and advocates for using performance-based pay for priests:

Parsons' thesis adviser, Jay Hartzell, is also a preacher's son. Hartzell likes to quote Corinthians in connecting his current work to his father's ministering roots: "If we have sown spiritual seed among you, is it too much if we reap a material harvest from you? If others have this right of support from you, shouldn't we have it all the more?" In other words, if Goldman Sachs bankers get paid based on profits they earn for the company, why shouldn't preachers get bonuses based on souls saved (and paying members recruited)? (..) Before examining how financial incentives have affected Oklahoma's pastors, we first need to say what makes a great minister. Performance for corporate execs is relatively straightforward—they get paid based on the profits they generate. For nonprofits, performance depends on the organization's mission. Hospitals exist to heal the sick; schools, to educate children. The United Methodist church's primary objective is to attract disciples (which in turn keeps the collection box full and the church solvent).

Rather than unsuccessfully contacting the Anglican Church for a reaction, the BBC should have contacted Sinead O’Connor..

Sources / More info: bbc-catholic-women, church-money, wiki-scientology, wiki-sinead, yt

VerbaVolant, catholic, pope, papality, women, equality, ordain, priesthood, misogyny, misoginy

Funniest jokes in the world from RD

To be honest, not only that most jokes found by RD to be funniest were rather old, but I felt I know quite a few much funnier. Yet this is rather a confirmation / sign that my sense of humour is off-the-wall. Something I already knew. Recently, Readers Digest completed its top of the best jokes in the world. Though you might have already heard most of them already, here they are..

WINNER

SWEDEN
Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Stockholm takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer's field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can in the crotch, then you do the same to me," he explains. "Whoever screams the least gets the bird."
The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the man's privates, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later, when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "My turn."
"Nah," says the farmer, turning away. "You can keep the duck."

RUNNERS UP
ARGENTINA
An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal. "It's all right," says the husband. "We share everything."
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. "I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal," he insists. "She'll eat," the husband assures him. "We share everything."
Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, "Why aren't you eating?"
The wife snaps, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!"
AUSTRALIA
A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a scotch and … Coke."
"Why the long pause?" asks the bartender.
"I don't know," says the bear. "I've always had them."
BRAZIL
Tired of waiting in the back of the line to get on Noah's Ark, a flea jumps from one animal to another as she moves closer to the front. She leaps and leaps until she lands on the back of an elephant. The pachyderm turns to its mate and says testily, "I knew it! Here they go with the pushing and shoving!"
CANADA
A man says to a friend, "My wife is on a three-week diet."
"Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?"
"Two weeks."

CHINA
My cousin always "borrows" money from her older brother's piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the refrigerator. Inside was this note: "Dear sister, I hope you'll understand, but my capital has been frozen."
CROATIA
A concerned police officer approaches a boy crying in front of a newsstand.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Superman isn't out yet!"
"I'll handle it," the cop assures him. "Hey, Superman!" he shouts. "Come on out! We won't hurt you!"
CZECH REPUBLIC
A man calls a radio deejay and says, "I've found a wallet with a hundred thousand koruny inside. There's also a card that says ‘Jan Ziegler, Seifert Street 3, Prague.' " "So?" says the deejay. "What do you want us to do?"
"Would you be so kind as to play the man a song?"

FINLAND
Hannu wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night, he e-mails her but misspells the address and it goes to a recent widow. The next day, the widow's son finds his mother passed out in front of her computer. On the screen is this e-mail: "My darling wife, I've just gotten here and everything's set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope your trip down here will be as pleasant as mine. "P.S. It's really hot!"
FRANCE
President Sarkozy visits a steel factory. To the boss's surprise, the president greets an employee, Morton, with a warm hug. The same thing happens when Barack Obama visits, and again during Vladimir Putin's tour. Unimpressed, the boss says to Morton, "I bet you don't know the pope."
Morton shrugs. "We play golf together."
The gauntlet has been tossed, and the boss pays their way to the Vatican. During the Benediction, Morton slips away. Sure enough, he reappears—side by side with the pope. Two Chinese tourists tap the boss on the shoulder and ask, "Who's the guy in white standing with Morton?"
GERMANY
Wandering around a fairgrounds, a man enters a fortune-teller's tent for a laugh. "I see you're the father of two," says the seer, gazing into her crystal ball. "Ha! That's what you think," says the man scornfully. "I'm the father of three."
"Ha!" says the fortune-teller. "That's what you think."

HUNGARY
Doctor: Have you taken my advice and slept with the window open?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: So your asthma disappeared completely?
Patient: No, but my watch, TV, iPod, and laptop have.
INDIA
A business executive visits his dear Chinese friend in the hospital. "Li kai yang qi guan," says the sick man feebly. The executive desperately wants to help him, but he doesn't speak Mandarin. "Li kai yang qi guan!" says the patient, as he draws his last breath. Later that year, the executive is in Shanghai on business when he finally learns the meaning of Li kai yang qi guan: "Get off my oxygen tube."
KOREA
A fortune-teller advised me, "Do everything your boss says." Sage advice, I thought, as I was working on an important project. As if I needed more proof of just how good the psychic was, that night, as I read the newspaper, I noticed my horoscope: "Do everything your boss says."
MEXICO
Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the ways of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service. "Will the winter be bad?" he asks.
"Looks like it," is the answer.
So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later, he calls again. "Are you positive the winter will be very cold?" "Absolutely."
The chief tells his people to gather even more firewood, then calls the Weather Service again: "Are you sure?" "I'm telling you, it's going to be the coldest winter on record."
"How do you know?"
"Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"
NETHERLANDS
A starlet is seated next to a lawyer on a long flight. She craves her sleep, but he keeps waking her up. "Let's play a trivia game," he suggests. "If I answer wrong, I'll pay you $50. If you answer wrong, you owe me $5." The starlet agrees, and the lawyer goes first. "What's the distance between the earth and the moon?"
The starlet hands the lawyer $5. Now it's her turn. "What goes up a mountain on three legs and comes down on four?"
The lawyer is dumbstruck. He scans the Internet, flips through his pocket encyclopedia, and texts every scientist he can find. No dice. Hours later, he wakes up the starlet, hands her $50, and asks, "So what's the answer?" Without a word, she hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.
NORWAY
A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie. "You're a kind lady, so I'll grant you one wish," the genie tells her.
"See this cat? I'd rather have a strong, handsome man," she says.
The genie agrees and—poof!—the cat turns into a Brad Pitt clone. The woman leaps into his lap.
"Do you have anything to say before we make love?" she asks.
"Yes," he says. "I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered last week."
PHILIPPINES
Joe, Mike, Mary, and Tom were talking about their dream jobs. "I want to be a lawyer," Joe began, "so that I can defend my countrymen."
"I want to be a congressman," said Mike, "so I can draft laws to benefit my countrymen."
"I want to be a doctor," said Mary, "so that I can cure my countrymen."
"How about you, Tom? What would you like to be?" asked Joe.
Tom thought a moment and replied, "I'd like to be a countryman."
POLAND
Nearing the end, Stanislaw is surrounded by loved ones. As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers, "I must tell you my greatest secret." His family urges him to go on.
"Before I got married, I had it all," Stanislaw explains. "Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me, ‘Get married and start a family. Otherwise, no one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you're on your deathbed.' So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you know what?"
"What?"
"I'm not even thirsty!"
PORTUGAL
A man is visiting an old friend when a little girl races through the room.
"Diploma," the friend calls after her, "bring us two cups of coffee."
"Diploma? What an odd name," says the visitor. "How did she get it?"
The friend sighs. "I sent my daughter to study at the university in Lisbon, and that's what she came back with."
ROMANIA
Vlad gets pulled over after a high-speed car chase. "I'm going to help you out," says the police officer. "Give me a good excuse and I won't write you a ticket." "Three weeks ago, my wife left me for a cop," Vlad explains. "So when I saw your car coming, I thought you were trying to bring her back."
RUSSIA
Due to the recession, to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.
—God
SERBIA
A neighbor finds a young boy sitting on the stairs crying. "What's the matter, honey?" she asks him. "It's my father," the boy sobs. "He hit his finger with a hammer."
"Then why are you crying?"
"Because first I laughed!"
SLOVENIA
As they leave the courthouse, a lawyer turns to his grim-looking client and says, "Janez, what's wrong? You were acquitted." "I know, but now I'm really in trouble," says Janez. "I just rented out my apartment for three years."
SPAIN
A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. "Please, señora," the poor man pleads, "I haven't eaten all day." "Good," says the grandmother. "Now you won't have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim."
SWITZERLAND
Wife: Honey, did you notice? I bought a new toilet brush.
Husband: Yes, I did. But I still prefer the paper.
TAIWAN
Papa Turtle is telling his son a bedtime story. "Once upon a time, there was a white bunny."
"Aw, c'mon, Dad," says the boy. "That's kid stuff. What about some science fiction?"
"All right. Once upon a time, there was a bunny in outer space …"
"Dad! Make it more grown-up."
"Okay, okay. Promise you won't tell Mom."
"I swear."
"Once upon a time, there was a naked bunny …"
THAILAND
"Hurry up or we'll be late!" shouts a teacher to her kindergarten class.
"What's the rush?" a tot asks coolly.
"If we're late, we'll miss your next class!" the teacher reminds him.
The kid shrugs. "If you're in such a hurry, go on without us."
UNITED KINGDOM
"About a month before he died, my grandmother covered my grandfather's back with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly."
--Comic Milton Jones
UNITED STATES
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion." "I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's Holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him." They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision." --Submitted by Mitchell Hauser

How did RD choose these jokes? Good question.

In January, RD localized editions from around the world asked their readers to submit their favourite jokes, which were then trimmed to 10. Then readers voted the best. Hopefully, the elections weren’t stolen and / or run on Diebold machines.

In USA, the jury was comprised of:

• Sid Caesar: His 1950s TV hit, Your Show of Shows, introduced America to Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner, Neil Simon, and Woody Allen.
• Monty Hall: Television producer and host of Let’s Make a Deal.
• Arthur Hiller: Directed comedies like The In-Laws and Silver Streak.
• Rocky Kalish: Wrote for All in the Family, Maude, and Good Times.
• Hal Kanter: Bob Hope’s chief gag writer. Wrote Road to Bali for Hope and Bing Crosby.
• Gary Owens: The voice of Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In.
• John Rappaport: Writer and producer for M*A*S*H.
• Matty Simmons: Founder of National Lampoon; producer of Animal House and Vacation.

Here are the top 10 clean jokes in the USA, chosen using a similar approach:

Winner: A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."
Submitted by Mitchell Hauser
Crime and Punishment
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?" The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."
Submitted by Braeden Silvermist
Conflict
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb- blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?" Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
"You keep out of this!" she yells. "I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
Submitted by Nancy Gomes

New Lease on Life
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle- aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.
God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!
The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains. "That’s true," says God.
"So what happened?"
God shrugs. "I didn’t recognize you."
Submitted by Hank Chawansky
Vow of Silence
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."
Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit."
"I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve been complaining ever since you got here."
Submitted by Alan Lynch
Talking Dog
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in.
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.
"I’ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"
The owner says, "Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!"
Submitted by Harry Nelson
Making Sure
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"
Submitted by Gerald Doka
Power of Perception
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don’t know. It all happened so fast."
Submitted by Debby Carter
Ghostly Music
A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. "What’s going on?" he asks a cemetery worker. "It’s Beethoven," says the worker. "He’s decomposing."
Submitted by Jeremy Hone
A Dog's Life
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat."
"Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.
"I can’t," says the poodle. "I’m not allowed on the couch."
Submitted by L. B. Weinstein

As we know from Jean de Santeuil (not Moliere), castigat ridendo mores, which could be the slogan of Satire, Inc.

Sources / More info: rd-bj, rd-bj-ch, rd-t10-usa, rd bj @ scribd, flags from google

VerbaVolant, humour, humor, fun, joke, jokes, hilarious, hillarious, funny, ha-ha, collection, rd, readers digest, reders digest, reader's digest

Johnny Depp will never die

Recently voted the world's most stylish man and with numerous other awards under his belt, the rumour has it that Johnny Depp was recently involved in a car crash. As our "designated rebel", the connection to James Dean and his tragic end seemed too attractive for the rumour mill.

So if the rumour is not true, who would start it and why?

As it turns out, the February issue of GQ hits the stands on January 26, and sales may have been lacklustre in the recession. The press needs money to stay afloat, and just like Presidents’ approval ratings soar when they declare war or bomb some hapless country, so do sales of magazines explode when the cover-person was just involved in a controversy.

Killing your main man is a bit extreme, but is still better than dying of hunger..

Here’s what Times Live had to say:

Search engines have registered over 13million searches on this issue with  CNN.com reporting that Depp’s car was found wrecked “along side a road outside Bordeaux, France, with the guard rail embedded deep inside the car and police have pulled out the body of the former actor, Depp.”

In the story titled Johnny Depp dies after fatal car crash, CNN claim that the Depp was discovered by a tourist who was driving on the same road when he spotted the wrecked car that was allegedly lying amongst liquor bottles. He then contacted the police who rushed to the scene of the accident to find Depp in the car.

“The police suspect that alcohol was the cause of the accident,” CNN wrote.

But according to Associated Press writer Ryan Christopher DeVault these rumours could be false because Depp’s camp haven’t confirmed the allegations.

“As far as we know, Johnny Depp is doing just fine, and has not been in any type of car crash. At this time we feel it is pretty safe to say that Johnny Depp is doing fine right now, and probably getting ready to get back into character for Pirates of the Caribbean 4,” he wrote.

The “story” appeared on a fake CNN site hosted on free hosting – Angelfire:

SFGate writes:

This is a terrible hoax on Johnny Depp and CNN. Johnny Depp was very much alive and about to film Pirates of The Caribbean Dead Man's Chest, which was released in 2006. Angelfire is a web hosting service. It's hard to tell just who made the fake CNN page, which is so detailed that if you click on the CNN logo, it takes you to the CNN home page, just as a regular CNN webpage would do. (..)

Regardless, Crispin Glover reportedly ended the talk by calling Johnny Depp via cell. Depp responded: Nope. In France, according to NBC Chicago's Courtney Hazlett, who issued the news last Monday.

Buying the magazine, when it comes out, will not confirm or infirm rumours. But your curiosity, awakened the day before, will be satisfied.

Sources / More info: twitter-depp, wiki-depp, gq-most-stylish, people-depp, sf-no, time-not-dead, angelfire-fake-CNN, Glover-interview, nbc-courtney, yt-depp

VerbaVolant, Johnny Depp, rebel, stylish, sexy, sex symbol, pirate, pir8

ye dopes!

Stratford is known as the location of the Shakespeare Theatre Festival. It is now also the place where people get sick after stealing a marijuana cousin.

The latest hoopla that wakes people up at night in Stratford is not Shakespeare, but rather the illness resulting from confusing hemp with marijuana:

Stratford Police have issued a public alert after reports of people – “adults and youth” – helping themselves to a crop of commercial hemp that looks like marijuana but instead of delivering a high can make users “violently ill” with severe headaches, nausea and vomiting.

The crop, located just south of the Festival Marketplace Mall off C.H Meier Blvd., has become the target of thieves, police say.

“People, both adults and youth, have been going onto the property and stealing the crop, thinking it is marijuana,” said Insp. Sam Theocharis.”

“Our biggest concern is from a public-safety standpoint. Hemp is not meant for ingestion and the user will become violently ill and may very well require hospital care.”

Hemp has many industrial uses (health supplements, fibre, paper, textiles and even building materials), while marijuana is only “recreational”. The active ingredient in marijuana, THC (tetrahydrocannabino) is also present in hemp, but with a much lower concentration. Historically, one had to consume a very large quantity of hemp in order to get the high obtainable from only a few grams of marijuana, and would never get there, because of getting sick long before getting high. Furthermore, lately, because of hi-tech weed cultivation, the concentration of THC in grass has steadily increased over the years. As such, there’s no way you can get high with hemp. Just stick to your pusher, maaaaaan.

Sources / More info: lfp-dopes

Verba Volant,marijuana, dope, pot, grass, weed, smoke and mirrors, smoke, smoking, steal, stealing, hemp, thc, tlc